I was once driven,
driven to go through life.
Now all I want is to give up,
I can no longer handle the strife.
You used to cheer me on,
when I’m sad.
You gave me hope,
when all things seemed bad.
You lifted me up,
from all those tears.
You held me strong,
to face my fears.
You were with me through the storm,
you were with me all the way.
Then I left, I hurt you.
I admit it, that was my biggest mistake.
Now I feel broken,
so I guess,
this is just the price I have to pay.
Having an inspiration could be so simple, yet it could mean so much.
12.05.13. Day 338. Inspiration.
I’ve just got home from a jam. Got a research paper to do, some files to sort, an a formal theme in Filipino to write, have 3 quizzes to take, I lack sleep and we still have to jam tomorrow to wrap our songs up.
Damn it. I feel drained, I feel tired, I want to sleep, I want to give up.
It’s in moments like this when I need a inspiration the most, just a little bit of cheering up, of pushing forward, or just a pinch of motivation. Though damn it, damn it damn it. It’s my fault I ended up in this situation, it’s my fault that I’m feeling like such a wreck, that I look like a mess right now. I need to put myself back together. I hope I could.
Oh well, one more thing, I’m sorry for blogging shit recently, ‘cause that’s what most of my life is right now, and I really need an outlet.
12.04.13. Day 337. Finally some rest.
I hate my body and its shitty sleeping patterns.
I’ve been hard up in finding sleep lately, I mean really hard up. Last Saturday night, I slept at 4 am and I woke up at 10 am. Then I was awake ‘til Monday night, yep I didn’t sleep last Sunday, so that was 38 God damned hours. Then last night, I mean last morning, I slept at 4 am. I woke up at six feeling like literal shit. I tried to stand, I fell out of the bed. Then the world just seemed to spin around me, so I got back to sleep. Then I didn’t go to class.
Now, finally I got plenty of sleep, I only left the bed for food and water. It’s kinda cool, my sleeping patterns, but it’s definitely not for school. Ugh, I could manage to go to school, do work, make, think. Though, when it gets boring and I start to get sleepy, things go whack and I try to control myself, keep it together, but though if I probably did go to school today. I would’ve failed three quizzes, slept through the rest of the subjects and have probably puked coffee, if I’d ever drank some.
When I let go, when I made that mistake. I was expecting to take the emotional pain, the regrets, the relentless thoughts, the shit and all of that. I just didn’t expect it would have such an effect on me… I actually need some sleeping pills…
We stop looking for monsters under our beds, when we realize that they’re inside of us.
“Suicide doesn’t take away the pain, it gives it to someone else.”
This is from a Five Finger Death Punch music video. Makes me cry every time.
Please watch the video
12.03.13. Day 336. Battle of the Bands.
4 days from our school’s battle of the bands elims. here I am stuck with school works, lack of time, sleep, headaches, and regrets.
Oh well, it’s been quite a long time since the last battle I joined, with my original band mates. Well, it’s because they’re in college now, and I’m the only one stuck here in high school, & we have rarely found time to jam since vacation, it’s been 5 months since our 100+ song list gig. Haha! & I still remember that one, what a night that was. I was hungover for about two days after, cause after every song we’d have a shot of brandy without any chasers, and we played around 50 songs and had a drinking session after.
Oh well, that’s just one of the sins that make me unclean.
Yet, although, even though we’re the band with the most experience. I couldn’t say to myself that we’ll be surely going to the main event. That’s for the judges to decide. All I could say is, I doubt that there’d be a better bassist than me out there. ~
She’s not reading anymore.
I feel hopeless..
There’s no way that I’m sleeping tonight.
I’ll look like a zombie later at class. Haha
As I am caught in one of the standstills of my life,
I realize how important you really are to me.
How big of a hole I made when I took the piece of my being that was you, and threw it away.
I realize how big of a mistake that was in my life, how it would be forever tattooed unto my conscience.
Staining not only my thoughts, but my feelings and the whole of my humanity,
'cause in each waking moment that passes, I feel that void between the bricks of the wall that I lean on.
I see that the cement that was holding it together was now gone, erased from existence.
It took me time to feel that the wall was collapsing on me, but now,
as it caves in and falls and I fear that I will be crushed under its weight.
I now see that all of it was my fault. All of it was my mistake, and I see how much of a fool I am because it took me so long to realize that.
It’s in times like these when I turn back to my first love,
12.02.13. Day 335. Where did it all go?
Here I am, standing at the inevitable dead-end of my life. Having lost my best friend for a love that I thought would last. I gave up so much and ended up with nothing. Life’s a little bit harder now, but I myself chose to let go, I myself wanted to start from scratch. No inspirations, no inhibitions, no boundaries, no commitments. I got a tattoo because I thought that by getting one, that would make me harder to accept, but in reality I just wanted something that would last.
We all wished, at a certain point in our lives, we wished that we could take back time. Though, wishes are never really granted, we could never take back time, we could only just start anew.
As I was left like this, here I am standing in front of the mirror, asking myself “Where did I go wrong?”. I was asking myself as if I didn’t knew the answer. I went wrong when I chose her, when I gave up on someone that I knew who loved me, who needed me so badly, who wanted me back. Yet I shoved it all in her face, left her to writhe in pain. Yes, I’m a bitch. I’m an asshole, a douche, and I have no fucking excuse for being one. I never wanted to make mistakes, I never wanted to get infatuated, but here I am, standing in front the computer, drinking a cup of coffee at 1:00 am in the morning, writing. Hoping that sleep shall come to me, yet I feel that it won’t I know that it won’t.
I wish I could rebuild the friendship that I have lost, yet the damage has been done, the words have been said, & the coffin has been nailed. I nailed the coffin, I want to open it, I need it so badly, but I don’t think that she wants it open. She doesn’t need me anymore, she has learned to live without me and maybe she has found someone new to fill my void.
I should never have left her, hurt her, I should’ve come back to her when she was crying. I should’ve been there. I should’ve done something… I should have… Now, now, I hope she wants me back, but I know that she doesn’t want nor need me anymore…
I’m just such a bitch for doing all of the things I did to you. You have the right to slap me, punch me, ignore me and even kill me. Cause I hurt you so bad…
Yet I ask myself, where did your love go… Then I realized, I nailed it, it’s inside the coffin…
I closed the coffin, & I hammered the nails in.
Now, what makes you think I want to open it?